Tuesday, 7 December 2010

You are the bumbling tourist (3)

You are attending the final day of the funeral/ commemoration festival for the deceased Queen Mother of the Kwahu Tribe. Having visited the local tailor, you are dressed just the thing and think you fit in wonderfully while watching the crazed dancing and wailing of around a dozen fetish priests and priestesses who are possessed by occasionally violent Lower Gods. A flamboyantly dressed lady dances towards you.
She rubs her hand on your crotch, squeezes her ample breast towards you and motions with her hands that she is interested in getting to know you in a carnal fashion. Not knowing how to react to a being of the otherworld, you just smile politely. As she grinds her bottom against your nether regions, an argument in Twi language ensues between her and another woman beside you. Your wife is nowhere to be seen. What action do you take?

Answer: A tricky one. The key here is preparation. Befriend the people near you who then will automatically take your side when something kicks off. When the argument balloons out of control, quietly shuffle out of sight. The priestess is issued a straight red by the mob and the game continues. You may be cautioned following the examination of video evidence, but you’ll be long gone by the time the review board gets round to meeting in this part of the world.


  1. Remember you are Andrew Mulholland. You should have leapt to your feet without pause and beat the lady back with some wild wall dancing (copyright AM). Straight red (reduced to yellow on appeal due to crackin shirt).

  2. Most Scottish refs would let play continue, but you have to remember that you are in Europe where they will blow the whistle for virtually any tackle. So keep your tackle under wraps or risk a straight red.

  3. It was only when I got to the bottom of your post that I realised you weren't talking about Lucy. Thought maybe she'd been on the local viagra or something. Having now understood the predicament I think you should say to these ladies "I'd love to take it further but you will have to promise to become devout Heart of Midlothian Fans". Watch them run a mile. Hugs/Ror

  4. This is a tricky one. I think Tippy is on the right lines but hasn't quite nailed it. Clearly the key here is to become possessed by a violent lower God yourself. Who knows what will happen in this situation but remember that the rules clearly state that while under the influence of a lower God the worst punishment you can receive for any misdemeanour is a yellow card.

    BTW It is indeed a top shirt but what possessed you to wear a Tam Shepard's medallion with it!

  5. Happy New Year guys. Hope to speak to you soon!

  6. Just discovered your blog guys, looks as though things are going well, although sorry to hear about the malaria. We're here if you're ever in the area: www.ourvso.com
    I'll ponder the dilemma but I would probably have used the brief distraction of the argument to make an attempt at escape, with the obvious risk of offending the lower Gods in doing so...

  7. Happy New Year to you both - hope you had a good one. I think you were missed in Glasgow (not by me as I was half asleep in front of Jools Holland with DaVille).

    I trust we will be getting the solutions to You Are The Bumbling Tourist in due course? There's money riding on it, you know.